AKA Trish Walker
by BlytheConner1
Summary: Following the season 1 finale, Trish Walker is still freaked out about what happened with Kilgrave. Feeling at fault for so much that went down, she's determined to prove to Jessica that she's capable of being a hero...and worthy of Jessica's love.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I don't own Jessica Jones or anything in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (unfortunately). I really hope to continue with this fic, so any kind of feedback is appreciated! This first chapter is just what's going on in Trish's head immediately following the death of Kilgrave. I hope you like it!**

Trish Walker sat in her Genesis waiting for her best friend to come out of the police station. Her heart was still beating a little too fast from the adrenaline of the last few days. As much as she wanted to be a hero, everything that had happened was taking it's toll on her. She'd been so worried about failing Jessica and felt so much responsibility for Simpson's actions. If Jess could hear her thoughts, she probably would tell her that she'd done good and that she was a hero. Jess was all about making her feel like these things weren't her fault, but as much as Trish tried to be a part of things, to be a worthwhile sidekick, she couldn't help but realize how many things had gone wrong with Kilgrave because of her.

She never should have tried to draw Kilgrave out on Trish Talk. That move was what brought Will Simpson into her life and that in itself led to so many mistakes. If she'd never trusted Simpson, so many things could have gone differently. Jess had tried to warn her about him, but she hadn't listened. And in turn, she'd been too involved with Simpson to be there for Jessica in the times she needed it most. Not to mention the whole thing where Simpson almost killed them both.

Of course, nothing was as bad as losing her headphones and being under Kilgrave's control. She'd gone with Jessica because she wanted to help, but it had ended up the way it always did — with Jessica having to save her. Not that she would ever tire of Jess protecting her, but just once she wanted to be the one to save her hero.

Worse than anything, Trish felt weak. Logically, she knew there was nothing she could have done to break Kilgrave's control over her. As far as anyone knew, Jessica was the one and only person ever to be free of him, but Trish still couldn't help thinking she should have been stronger. The memory of kissing Kilgrave was repulsive, but it replayed again and again in her mind. Trish started to panic, worried she would lose control over her impulses, until she saw Jessica walking out of the police station. The familiar calm immediately fell over her.

Trish got out and leaned against her car, waiting for Jessica to come to her. She was always waiting for Jess to come to her, but a lot of times she couldn't hold on to that patience. By the time they reached each other, she couldn't tell who had gotten to the other first, just that it felt like home to have Jess in her arms. She thought about what Kilgrave had said, referring to Trish as Jessica's 'beloved sister'.

They had never considered each other sisters. Jessica was a quiet girl from school. And then she was the orphan Trish's mother insisted they take in for good publicity. She was the girl who knew and saw way too much about the real 'Patsy'. And then she was Trish's protector. She was her lifeline. Jessica saved Trish from Dorothy and then she saved Trish from herself.

Tears stung Trish's eyes as she realized she'd never been able to save Jessica from her own power and she hadn't saved her from Kilgrave. She was always messing up and putting them both in danger, all because of her obsession with the idea that they could be heroes.

"Jess, I'm so sorry," Trish whispered.

Jessica pulled back. "What are you sorry for?"

"You had to save me. Again."

"It's what I do," Jessica shrugged and opened the car door to get in. "Kilgrave's dead. It's over."

Trish hesitated a moment before joining her friend in the car. "Okay..." she said slowly as she pulled out of the parking lot headed for home. "But what next? You say it's over, but there will always be another Kilgrave. And what about IGH?"

"There is no next, Trish," Jessica sighed. "I'm not a hero. I did what had to be done with Kilgrave and a lot of people died in the process. I may have saved you, and Kilgrave may be dead, but I couldn't save Ruben or Hope or or Wendy or Louise or Albert. I went after the bastard and I got him, but I left a path of destruction behind us. So I don't want to talk about heroism or my powers or IGH or anything else."

"Okay," Trish said quickly. "Okay, I get it. We'll just go home and get some food and get some rest and forget about all of this for now."

"Just take me home, Trish. I just want to be alone."

"Okay."

Trish was nodding, and she changed directions to go to Jessica's apartment, but it hurt to hear those words. Jessica used words she would never normally say as a code for their plan against Kilgrave. Trish had to believe Jess meant those words, but she also had to accept that this didn't change anything. As much as they cared about each other, Jessica Jones was always going to keep up the wall she'd built between them after Kilgrave first came into her life. Trish had never heard those words before last night, and she would never hear those words again.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N- Thank you for reading and following! Please review; I always appreciate critiques:)**

The files her mother had sent over about IGH were waiting when Trish got home. She started to go through them, but her brain was too fuzzy to make sense of any of the information. She gave up, opened the sliding doors to her bedroom, changed into silk pajamas, and got into bed with her phone and a bottle of red wine. She knew Jessica would be in the dark in her crappy apartment, getting drunk on Wild Turkey or some other strong bourbon. Jess wasn't the only one who could drink her troubles away. Trish needn't even bother with a glass.

Halfway through the bottle, Trish stopped playing mindless phone games and pulled up her texts. The last text from Jessica glared back at her, taunting.

"Penthouse. I love you."

Trish typed "I love you, too", but didn't hit send. There was no point. It wasn't like Jess didn't already know that. She told her she loved her all the time. This time wouldn't mean anything different. Would it?

Jess probably wouldn't reply even if she tried to text her anything. It was like that with them. Jessica dropped in and out as she pleased, never considering how it made Trish feel when she left. Except that she was always considering Trish. That was how she'd gotten this far in life, because Jessica got her here. She hated that her best friend wouldn't stick around long enough to enjoy the cushy life they had made, post-Dorothy and post-Patsy and post-drugs.

Drugs. The second the word entered Trish's mind, she couldn't let go. Her body still ached from the red pill and fighting Simpson and her mind wouldn't turn off the constant replays of Kilgrave's last words to her. She thought of how she trained hard to make sure no one touched her anymore unless she wanted them to. But then there was Kilgrave.

"Like you mean it."

She gagged on the bile that rose up in her throat, thinking about what she'd done. What Jessica had watched her do. The fact that she really had meant it. Never mind the fact she'd only meant it because she'd been compelled to. It wasn't her fault. He forced her.

Trish needed to forget. To make it stop, if only for a little while. The wine wasn't enough. It would never be enough. She laced her fingers together in an effort to keep her hands still. Her thoughts were racing and her breathing became uneven.

"Just one," she decided. "Just to calm down."

Trish took a deep breath and got out of bed slowly, trying to stay calm and keep the spinning in her head to a minimum. She couldn't handle a panic attack right now, not after everything she'd been through and put Jessica through the last few weeks. She had to be stronger than her mind. For Jessica. And if she couldn't be, then she had to had to find a way to shut it down.

She stuck her hand between the mattress and box spring near the foot of her bed. Her deep breathing techniques were rendered useless when she realized the prescription bottle was not in it's usual place. Trish ran her hand along the entire width of her box spring, but there was nothing there. She lifted the mattress as much as she could, but still nothing. She ran into the bathroom, throwing open drawers and cabinet doors. Of course, she never kept anything stronger than Midol in her bathroom. Even if she had, Jessica would have gotten rid of it.

Jessica. The explanation for her missing pills was a simple one. She grabbed her phone, all stubbornness over not wanting to be the first to text forgotten. "Jess," she typed and sent.

The answer was almost instantaneous. "They're gone."

"Where?"

"Not in the house. You won't find them, so stop looking. Go to sleep."

"You know I can't. Tell me where they are."

"No." 

Trish was frantic by now. There was no possible way she could sleep, or even survive the night, without those pills. She should have known Jessica would find her hiding place and get rid of them. She hadn't needed them in so long that she'd forgotten to check the last several times her best friend had been over. She knew there was no rationalizing with Jess about this, despite the other woman's severe reliance on alcohol. She did the only thing she could think of and sent another text.

"Malcolm. I need a favor."

"I'll be right there."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: As usual, I don't own Jessica Jones. I know this fic is pretty dark so far, but the show is dark, so if you're expecting something fluffy, this won't be it! But bare with me; I promise it won't be all conflict and grit ;)**

Trish's nervous tapping on the kitchen counter was interrupted by a banging at her front door. Given everything that had gone down over the last several weeks, she nearly jumped out of her skin. Thank God Malcolm was here to give her some relief. She hit the button on her security system to turn on the camera and was shocked to see a familiar, tiny figure in a black hoodie.

"Jess? What are you-"

"Seriously, Trish?" Jessica interrupted. "You texted Malcolm? What exactly made you think it was a good idea to ask a recovering drug addict to help you become re-addicted to drugs?"

"It wasn't-"

"Let me in before I let myself in through the balcony."

Trish opened the door reluctantly, trying to hide the wild panic in her eyes. Jessica grabbed her by the arm, a little too roughly for someone so strong, and dragged her to the couch.

"Talk to me," Jessica demanded.

"Where are my pills, Jess? They're prescribed to me. They're mine."

"They were prescribed to you by a quack who only wanted your money. You're not taking them anymore."

"But I need them," Trish whispered.

"I know what you need better than you do, Trish," Jessica assured her. "You just have to trust me. Can you do that?"

This side of Jessica that cared for Trish so deeply was a side that no one else ever got to see. Trish felt bad for the other people who knew Jess and didn't get to experience her like this. Beneath all the drinking and the brooding and the cursing and the bitterness was a girl who gave a shit and couldn't stand seeing the people (person) she loves hurting. No matter what she thought of herself, Jess was a superhero.

Despite all that, a part of Trish actually couldn't trust Jessica. Not fully. She was always leaving, always reckless. Trish could never really relax and feel like Jess would always be there because she hadn't been. Her friend hadn't been there all the times she needed someone, but her pills had.

"I don't know," Trish finally said.

Jessica sat up on her knees and wrapped her arms tightly around Trish's trembling body. One hand fell into Trish's lap, where Jess drew calming circles on her thigh. Jess's chin came to rest on her best friend's shoulder.

"What do I have to do to convince you I'm not going anywhere?" Jessica murmured.

Trish was crying now, silently, but with mascara streaking down her face. The tears were landing on Jessica's arm, but she made no mention of it.

"This is just making it worse, Jess. I'm feeling way too much all at once and I just need it to stop. If you aren't going to help me stop it, please just go. This is hard enough as it is without you making it harder."

"Making what harder?" Jessica was clearly confused. "I don't understand. Things were fine earlier. You wanted me here. Now you're saying you don't?"

"It's not that I don't want you here!" Trish was sobbing now, her shoulders shaking. Jess had to loosen her grip so that she wouldn't hurt her. "I want you to want to be here. I want you to have never left me. I want none of this Kilgrave stuff to have ever happened to you!"

Jessica dropped her hold on her best friend and stood. "You're right. I'm a piece of shit. I fucked up way too many times with you and I put your life in danger and I asked too much of you when all I wanted was for you to stay out of things and stay safe. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I can't make you trust me if you don't want to and I can't make you see me as something better than your fucking pills."

She pulled something out of her sweatshirt pocket and threw it against the sliding glass balcony door. She had used some restraint or the glass would have cracked, but the bottle still busted open and the assortment of small pills spilled out onto the floor. It took more self-control than Trish would ever admit not to run across the room and scoop them up like a crazy person. Probably about as much self-control as it was taking Jessica not to break something. They caught each other's eyes, and for a brief moment, Trish thought Jessica would come back to her and stay this time.

Jessica's eyes turned cold. "If that's what you want," she pointed at the pills on the floor, "then don't bother calling me. I'm dealing with too much shit of my own to do this with you again."

Jessica headed for the front door without looking back. Trish considered her options, then made her way across to the balcony door. She knelt to the ground to pick up her pills, jumping as the door slammed behind the most important person in her life.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I don't own Jessica Jones. Please review!**

"Jess, wait!"

Trish realized with all those pills in her hand that she still felt incredibly empty and the part of her that was missing was walking away, unlikely to ever return to her. She could see Jessica at the end of the hallway, by the elevator, but she didn't turn around when she called after her. Trish barely noticed the hole punched in the wall above the elevator buttons as she reached Jessica and grabbed onto her arm.

Physically, Jessica was incredibly strong. She was probably the strongest person Trish knew. But when it came to Trish's touch, Jessica could be surprisingly weak. She relaxed instantly and turned to face Trish.

"Which ones did you take?" Jessica asked flatly.

"I didn't take any. Here," Trish shoved the pills into Jessica's hand. "Do whatever you want with them. Get rid of them. I don't care what you do, Jess, I just need you to stay with me this time."

Jessica looked for a minute like she might crush the pills in her palm, but then she extended her hand.

"Keep them. Remember something you told me a long time ago? About making daily choices or something. What was it?"

"A choice isn't something you make once. You have to keep choosing which way to go every day..." Trish responded.

"That's it. You've been making the choice not to do drugs for years now, but you've had to decide that every day. I was wrong to try to take your power away from you. You've done a damn good job at choosing the right things on your own, Trish. That's why you're my hero."

"Getting a little sappy, are we?" Trish spoke through a new kind of tears filling her eyes. "Does this mean you'll stay with me?"

"For as long as you'll have me." Jessica wrapped her arm around Trish, squeezing gently, and steered her back into the apartment.

Trish was grateful that she'd gotten Jessica to stay. She knew not taking drugs was the only way that would have happened and she still longed to swallow the pills. That desire would always be in her somewhere. She stepped into the bathroom to take a moment without Jess watching her. She knew she should flush the pills and part of her wanted to, but that brokenness inside her convinced her to hold on to them a little longer. So while she didn't take anything, she dropped them into the little case with her birth control, knowing Jessica wouldn't notice them there in case she were to change her mind about letting Trish choose. She flushed the toilet so that Jess would think she'd gotten rid of them.

Trish was still shaky when she rejoined Jessica on the living room couch. Her mind still raced. There was, and never would be, an easy fix to her flashbacks and panic attacks. Kilgrave's words were on a loop in her head, just as her mother's had been throughout her childhood and adolescent years.

"What can I do?" Jessica asked nervously.

"I don't know anymore," Trish sighed. "Be here. Be you."

"In that case, I need some whiskey."

Trish watched her go to the kitchen cabinet that had been deemed Jessica's the day they moved in. It used to have a bunch of junk food in it, but now it only had alcohol. Jess never ate anything when she was over. Trish wondered if she was actually eating anything at all. Jessica drank straight from the full bottle of Wild Turkey on her way back to the couch. Trish felt a twinge of jealousy over the fact her pain could never be numbed with alcohol the way it could with drugs. Jessica was lucky. Her crutch could be bought at a convenience store on any corner of the city. She could drink herself into a numb state whenever she wanted, but Trish drank an entire bottle of wine and only managed to have a panic attack. It really wasn't fair.

"Trish! Look at me!"

Trish was jolted from her thoughts and realized Jessica was kneeling in front of her, apparently trying to communicate. The guilt from thoughts of her best friend's alcoholism being worthy of jealousy flushed red over her face.

"Are you in there?" Jessica asked softly.

"Yeah. I'm..." Trish shook her head, trying to clear it. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Just talk to me. What started this freak-out? Did you drink?"

"You're one to talk about drinking," Trish grumbled in response.

"That isn't the point, babe. I'm just trying to figure out what led you here so I can help fix it and I know that drinking can be somewhat of a trigger for you," Jessica explained calmly.

Trish was touched by how sweet Jessica was being and how she spoke with such compassion. There wasn't a drip of her usual sarcasm or snark.

"Everything he said just keeps replaying in my head."

"I never would have let him take you," Jessica promised. She was leaning into Trish's knees now, making patterns on her palm with her thumb. "I'm so sorry I didn't stop him sooner. I know he still hurt you..."

"I really thought he had you again, Jess." Trish rubbed at her swollen eyes. "But then you looked at me..."

Jessica stood and leaned toward Trish. Trish's heart started racing for a whole new reason. She closed her eyes as Jessica kissed her on the top of the head.

"I know what will make you feel better," Jessica winked. "C'mon."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I'm sorry it's been so long! I've been watching Lost Girl. Very important stuff. Y'all please read and review and stay with me! I promise to update all my fics more frequently.

 **Shaking, Trish took Jessica's hand and let herself be pulled up off the couch. Her heart leapt into her throat as she followed. To her surprise, they headed to Jessica's old bedroom, now her workout/training room. This wasn't going where she had thought, but it actually made sense for Jessica to bring her here.**

 **"Hit me," Jess interrupted her thoughts.**

 **"Wh-what?"**

 **"Hit me. Hard. I won't fight back. Obviously," Jessica rolled her eyes.**

 **"No way. I'm not going to hit you." Trish was beyond confused.**

 **Jessica sighed. "Just do it, or I'll make you want to hit me. It'll help. I'm not going to just let you become a drug addict again."**

 **"Jess, I never stopped being a drug addict. Just because I was sober, doesn't mean-"**

 **"You're better than this, Trish," Jessica interrupted. "I'm the fucked up one. I get the monopoly on issues and negativity."**

 **Trish wasn't sure whether to be flattered or pissed off. On the one hand, Jessica's problems had always seemed to take precedence over her own. Not that it was Jessica's fault. Trish was the one who had always made sure she came first. It was the only way she felt she could repay the way her best friend protected her.**

 **"Trish," Jessica snapped her back from her thoughts. "You're acting like a crazy person. You're supposed to have it all together. You have adoring fans and all this money and your mom isn't around every day to be awful to you. You have nothing to be upset about. I had to watch the person I was trying to protect kill herself. I failed to keep you out of danger. I had to kill a man. A man who tortured me and made me do awful things. A man I had to shack up with in my dead parents' house. Your mom's a bitch and your dad is gone, but my parents are fucking dead. You don't get to stand there and look at me like you're in anguish. I know pain, Trish. You know nothing."**

 **Trish's eyes filled with tears, but she was too angry to let them fall. During her rant, Jess had gotten closer, until their faces were mere inches apart. Trish shoved her away as hard as she could. It didn't have much effect physically, but she hoped it got her point across.**

 **"I said hit me, not push me." Jessica was annoyed. Could Trish not see she was only trying to help? She hadn't really meant those things she said. If she was going to stick around this time, things had to be different.**

 **"You don't get to stand there and yell in my face about how much your life sucks. I am sincerely sorry for everything bad that has happened to you, but it was your choice to go through those things alone. I've spent over half my life begging you to let me in, begging you to see me as someone willing and able to not just be here for you, but also stand beside you. Through everything. You may feel like the center of your universe, Jessica Jones, but you are not the only one in it. Whether you like it or not, I've never not been a part of this. I've never not had to deal with the pain. I've felt it. You may feel like all the pain in the world belongs to you, but I have willingly been sharing it."**

 **Grief replaced Trish's anger and she allowed herself to cry. She grieved for everything Jess had lost, but also for every time she had lost Jess. It was no longer okay for either of them to carry the weight alone. Since the first glimpse Trish had into who Jessica really was, they had always been better together. They were survivors, but what good was surviving if your self-worth could only be found in a bottle of whiskey or a bottle of pills?**

 **Jess was silent, but the look on her face was one Trish recognized. It was the look she got when she was trying to decide whether to run or lean in. When in doubt, she always ran. Trish couldn't let there be doubt. She stepped forward, took hands into her own. Their foreheads met.**

 **"You love me."**

 **It wasn't a question, but Jess squeezed her hands in reply.**

 **"Then don't fight me," Trish whispered. She wanted to wrap her arms around Jessica and never let go, but she knew that whatever this was happening between them right now, she would have to leave it in the hands of the woman she fiercely loved. They were capable hands. Capable of almost anything.**

 **For now, she let those hands lead her back to her living room couch.**

 **Jessica flipped the TV off. They didn't need background noise. She hadn't meant to make such a scene; she just thought hitting something would help. It always helped her. She sat on the couch and pulled Trish into her, one of her hands caught up in beautiful blonde hair. She ran her fingers through it as they sat in silence. This silence felt like peace. Like hope. She wasn't used to thinking this way, but that was how it felt.**

 **Trish for up for a second and headed for the bathroom. "Be right back," she mumbled. Jessica shot her a concerned look, but she returned it with an attempt at a reassuring smile. She needed Jessica to think she was past it, but she couldn't stop thinking about everything. She couldn't let go of what she'd felt when she took Simpson's red pill. It felt like she had her power back. She spent so long trying to get it back after Jessica left, learning to defend herself and locking herself away, but all of that no longer felt like enough. Behind the closed door, she swallowed two pills. Just enough to shut off her brain, for now. Not enough for Jessica to notice. She went back to the couch and lay down, her head in Jessica's lap.**

 **"So, I was thinking," Jess said suddenly. "I know you're really into me being a superhero or whatever, but what if I was to take a break? We could hang out here for awhile, do nothing but eat junk food and watch Netflix. Normal things, like before."**

 **"As nice as that sounds, you can't run from your gift, Jess."**

 **"It wouldn't be running. I still have the powers, but you're the one with the heart. So, I think we take a break. And when we are both ready, we get back at it. Help people. Do the thing. Save the world. Or whatever."**

 **"We?" Trish asked, slightly surprised.**

 **"Well I can't be a superhero without you, Trish. It doesn't work. You're my other half."**

 **If she didn't suddenly feel so tired, Trish would've jumped up and hugged her. This was what she wanted for them, to save the world together. As cliche as it sounded, she felt it was their destiny. Not just Jessica's, but both of them, together. She reached up and grabbed her friend's hand, kissing it. That was as much celebration as she could muster the energy for. Jessica's face flushed.**

 **"When can we start? I have the IGH stuff. We should go through it."**

 **"Break first," Jessica laughed. "Go to sleep. You're tired. We'll talk about it in a few days. After I get Malcolm to help me move my stuff."**

 **"You're moving back in?" Trish couldn't believe it.**

 **"Well, yeah. For now, anyway. If there's two of us, we need better headquarters," Jess shrugged.**

 **"Thank you," Trish whispered.**


End file.
